Hey Cold -
I'm sorry I took so long to get to reviewing this! Classes and work, you know? Life gets in the way of the good stuff. ;p
It hit me in the face -between the eyes, I might add.
I'm not sure what program you were using, but this dash seems sort of funny to meet. Very short. More like a hyphen. And there should be a space, "face - between"
I could feel its stinging presence as it slid down my nose where it fell to its demise on my faded jeans. For a fleeting moment, I wished it was a bullet, putting an end to my misery instead of getting me wet.
I think this is very great imagery for a raindrop, but it's not entirely clear that it IS a raindrop at first. Honestly, when I first read this I wasn't entirely sure what it was you were describing! All this needs to clear it up is just a descriptive word here or there - the only clue I have in this bit is that it was "wet".
The sky growled deeply in the distance, probably sending down little soldiers to infiltrate the library through its cracked roof. Ms.Mcaffer was most likely catching them in foam coffee cups before they could harm her books. I laughed at the thought of the little invasion.
Again, here. I think you've got a great description of rain going on here, but you're much too vague. Just add a slight it more descriptive language leaning toward what it actually is.
and a unexpected gust of wind only added
and an unexpected gust.
After a few moments of watching the dog in our neighbor’s backyard pull the laundry down from the line, my music returned with crackling noises in the background –It wasn’t my fault the thing was as old as my grandmother. It began to play a soft tune that I especially loved. One that-
the bolded "it" should not be capitalized - and again, the rule with the dash. And I must add, I really don't like the "one that-" at the end. I think you should start the thoughts, and then mentioned that they were interrupted, like "The images began to come into my mind, when they were interrupted" - something like that, your creative judgment choosing whatever.
Fall was never beautiful here.
I like that.
“Pretty boy,” She shot back, clearly flaunting the fact she could always manage to stand out. Though, wearing a t-shirt in the middle of November, I believe, was a little too extreme.
"Pretty boy," she shot back,
Don't capitalize the she
“Tomboy.” Truthfully, these were all terms of endearment, if you really look underneath the surface.[s] Really deep[/s].
Don't just make it a fragment like that. Get rid of it, or draw it out. "Though you might have to look rather deep to realize it", or something along those lines.
The problem was –I did care.
At this point in the story, I'm beginning to see you're a little too dash happy (*gasp* I'm a hypocrite! I'm always dash happy too, darn). Try to use them a little less. For instance, right here you can definitely get away with just a comma and still have the same effect.
Overall, a very cute story with some errors. I like the relationship between the two characters. I wish you drew it out more! Why did they hate the town? What memories do they have together? Readers demand the goods.
Congratulations, though, on placing.
PM me with any questions!
~ Clo
Points: 6517
Reviews: 402
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